Not an apology post.

One word: Cheeseburger.

Ultimate satisfaction. I've been thinking about you, dear burger, since 9am. When I first learned of your presence via the daily cafeteria menu email. I must say it. I love you.

On a side note, I will add that the feeling of a aptly satisfying a food craving is unmatched. You know that feeling when you have to pee so badly. And then finally....FINALLY, you sit down in pure bliss, as your bladder empties its contents?

It's like that. Only 847,629, 498 times better.

I'm sorry that I've been non-blogging.

There is a parasite in my uterus that is draining every ounce of life from me.
Your regularly scheduled programming shall return as soon as I can stay awake for more than 90 minute intervals.

Whoop.

There it is.



Measuring perfectly. Healthy heartbeat. Pretty much the coolest thing ever.
I'm already totally smitten.

I'm scared.

There. I said it. In fact, I'm really, really scared.

My first ultrasound is Thursday morning. Which seemed so very far away when it was scheduled two weeks ago. Then all of a sudden, I'm talking to a friend today and I say something about tomorrow being Wednesday. Then it hits me. If tomorrow is Wednesday, then tomorrow I can say, "tomorrow is my ultrasound".
Still with me? If not, you may exit slowly on your left.

Now I have tried really hard to be positive about everything. Power of positive thinking, right? Keep telling myself that I have absolutely no reason to believe that things are less than stellar in my ute. None at all. And it's true. But still, I find myself terrified. That we'll get bad news, that there won't be a heartbeat, that my doctor will look at me with a solemn gaze and whisper, "I'm sorry."

And you know what? I'm angry that I'm so scared. I'm angry that these are the thoughts that flood my mind less than 2 days away from this big event.
I want to be excited. I want to be imagening the blinking blob on the ultrasound screen. Or the look on Mr. J's face as he discreetly wipes away a tear. I want THOSE thoughts.

Not the ones I have. The crazy part is that aside from these insane thoughts, I feel really good about everything. My gut instinct is that all is well. And yet, still I cannot shake this fear. I cannot make it go away. Or even take a backseat to the excitement, anticipation, and gratitude.

But I will keep trying. Keep telling myself the things I have been chanting for two weeks.
That I'm going to have a happy, healthy baby.
With ten fingers.
Ten toes.
And my nose. Fingers crossed.

All IS well.

The Holy Grail of Pregnancy

The sleepgasm.

As a woman of child bearing age, you hear about this phonomenon often. And if you are anything like me, you hope and pray that you will one day be a pregnant woman who gets to experience such. I like to think of it as a consolation prize for the constant gas, constipation, and vurps.

Well. I had one. And let me tell you, it was nice. So nice that my climactic moment woke me. Almost propelling me out of bed.

Here's my one issue. I had imagined that this sleepgasm would include a super hot set up.
You know, I'm Meredith Grey and I'm getting it on with McSteamy a la prom night at the hospital. Or...I don't know...maybe Johnny Depp and I are sailing across the Riviera on his yacht. Naked.

No. Let me tell you the set up that the Pregnancy Gods bestowed upon me.
I dreamed that I was lying in bed. Next to Mr. J. He was sound asleep. I reached over to my nightstand drawer and pulled out Ol' Faithful. And went to town on myself.

Riveting, no? Seriously? That could be any random IRL night in my house.
Not sleepgasm material in my book.

Hopefully, they will continue. With something hotter than marriage bed masturbation.

Healthy eating FAIL

Yesterday I went to the grocery store. I walked through the isles with stellar focus. Baby in mind. Chanting to myself, "eat healthy...the babe needs more than chocolate", etc.
I bought cucumbers, carrots, peaches, bananas, apples, wheat thins, all kinds of stuff.

Fast forward to today. I'm sitting on the couch, snuggling with my pups. And suddenly, I remember that there is a box of brownie mix in the pantry. Now don't ask me how on earth a box of brownie mix managed to survive in this house longer than one hour post purchase. I have no idea. But there it was. In all it's Betty Crocker red box glory. Fate. A gift from the gods of yummy. For a moment, I thought I heard angels sing as I opened the pantry door. And I think perhaps I saw a light shine down.

So I made brownies. Then I topped it with ice cream. And enjoyed every bite.

I'm pretty sure the peaches were mocking me.

Baby Letter: Week 5

Dear Munchkin,

You have a nickname! I let Daddy pick it. I figured that's the least harmful way to let him have some say in this whole thing. So, Munchkin you are! It's been a busy week. I'm still feeling okay. And for that, I am grateful.
Exciting things are happening this week. You are the size of an apple seed. And many of your major organs are starting to form. Heart, liver, stomach, etc. How cool is that? Mabye that's why I've been so tired. Growing a human is hard work.

My favorite part of this week? It's over. Which means Daddy and I are closer to getting to see you! The ultrasound next week should show off your pretty, healthy heartbeat! Exciting stuff, kiddo.
You just stay nice and warm all snuggled in Mama's ute. I'll do the rest.

One other thing before I go. If there is anything you can do to make my boobs chillax, I'd be appreciative. I'd even consider a deal involving a Sophie. They are completely NSFW. We can't have Mama losing her job over her soon to be triple D's making a cameo at the morning meeting.

Sophie. That's all I'm saying. Squeak. Squeak.

Love you, Munchkin. See ya next week.

Until then,

Mommy

Beta # 2....

2855!

Beautiful. I'm so excited. One week until the u/s. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, or whatever you do that we see a healthy heartbeat.

Nothing much has changed on this end. Still exhausted. Still nauseated off and on. Still no vomiting. Oh, and I'm fairly certain that my left boob is trying to sever itself from my body.

Ouch.

So, I find myself forgetting that I'm pregnant.

Well, not really forgetting, but just randomly remembering. For example, I'm being lazy on the couch, watching Food Network (of course), and suddenly think to myself, "Oh yea, I'm pregnant".
Usually followed by "Holy crap. I'm pregnant".
After which I will say to Mr. J, "Hey baby. I'm pregnant."

He laughs at me. Every time.

I suppose this is part of that "sinking in" process.

A peace offering for my suckage.

I'm sorry. I forgot for a moment that I have a blog. Silly me. Enjoy the apology.

Wow. Where to start?
First Beta is in....(insert drum roll here)...480!!! Yay! Next one is on Monday and I'll have the results Tuesday. I'm still feeling okay. No m/s yet. Thank god! Other than feeling like I've been run over by a herd of rabid kangaroos, I'm doing just fine.

I went to my "Confirmation Appointment" on Thursday.
"Congratulations, Mrs. J! You're pregnant!"
Yes. Yes, I know. I've urinated on multiple pregnancy detection devices. Thanks though.
First ultrasound on 9/24. Hoping that we see a beautiful little heartbeat. I think that's about it in terms of the "update".

Mr. J is pretty nervous. He's really trying not to let himself get "too attached" this early.
Yeah, good luck with that. I caught him talking to my belly fat in the middle of the night.
He says he'll feel better after the ultrasound. My doctor really spooked him with talk of a "viable vs. non-viable pregnancy.
And of course, I'm nervous too. But I have made a conscious decision to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. And I am. So, I am putting the fear on the back burner. It's still there of course. Poking at me randomly.

That's about it, folks. I will try to be more consistent 'round here.
I'm now off to my ice cream breakfast. Ta ta.

The first letter. Week 4.

Dear Baby,

And so this begins.
I guess I could start by crowning you with a name more personal than Baby. A nick name. A term of endearment. Something special between us and Daddy. But all I can think of is Baby. As in, "Holy crap, were going to have a BABY!!"
I'm currently wondering if this excitement/shock is going to wear off before your arrival. I suppose by then it will be replaced with a completely new version.

I want you to know, first and foremost, how much you are wanted and loved already. There are moments in between those of utter shock and disbelief, that are filled with such gratitude and awe. Moments that bring tears to my eyes. Moments in which I look away quickly, so as to not prompt Daddy's own tears. Between you and me, I'm not sure he'd stop crying if he let himself start. Yes, Baby. Gratitude. Awe. Humility.

Gratitude. I'm grateful for you. Grateful for the life that is to be. Grateful beyond my ability to describe. You know, Daddy and I have been thinking about you for so long. Loving you even before you were you. Uncertain when or how you would come into our lives. Just hoping. Loving. Allowing ourselves to love something, whose existence we had no guarantee of. But now you're here. You're you. You exist. And you, Baby, are incredibly loved.

Awe. According to the ever handy dictionary.com: "An overwhelming feeling of reverence".
That is a pretty accurate summary. Reverence for this process. This creation of life. This miracle. That I, along with the love of my life, get to experience. Again, my words fail.

Humility. Let's talk about that one for a second. I am so incredibly humbled to be blessed to this degree. To be able to write this letter. As I have so often dreamed about. As others have dreamed about. And as so many are still dreaming about. Yet somehow, someway, today - I get to write. I am overwhelmed with humility.

Wow. For something as tiny as a single poppy seed, you are certainly quite skilled at evoking an array of emotions. Something tells me that I am in BIG trouble.

I love you, Baby.

Until then,
Mommy

Holy shit. I'm pregnant.

I know we've covered this already, but I *think* it may be starting to sink in just a tad. I can't imagine, what it will feel like to fully process such a thing.

Holy Shitballs.

I'm pregnant. I took a test this morning, ironically, just before I went to pick up my Clomid Rx from the pharmacy. Bam. A line. I actually thought I saw one yesterday. But Mr. J told me I was hallucinating. When my temp stayed up this morning, I decided to test. Wow. I am just speechless. So happy, obviously. But really surprised. And I've been pretty calm all day. I wonder when this will sink in. Probably when I go to deliver. Wow. I'm going to deliver a baby. Wow.
Wow. Wow.

I am exhausted.

Seriously? Seriously. Physically, mentally, emotionally...I got it all.
I also started the Parlodel today, for my elevated prolactin levels.
Oh, and the med info says it's for "infertility disorders".

Fun!