I'm scared.

So, we are moving a little faster on the crazy train of baby making than I expected. I have had some abnormal bloodwork that has prompted some additional blood work and a Semen Analysis for Mr. J. I know this is a good thing. If there are problems as my doc suspects, I want to know sooner rather than later. Want to get a jump on correcting the problem or adjusting our strategy. I know that knowledge is power. I get it.

But I am shaking in my slippers. I'm having difficulty formulating my thoughts on this, much less accurately describe it. So please, bear with me. I feel like getting closer to answers means two things.
1. (and perhaps most obviously) It means that we increase our chances of conception. And ultimately of babydom. This is a good thing, I know.

2. It means that we are closer to potentially exhausting other options. And potentially having to come to terms with the possibility that we will never reach babydom.

That may sound crazy or excessive or unnecessary, but that's where I am.

And I'm not ready for #2. There is a part of me that wants to keep humping as clueless and hopeful as ever. Without any bloodwork, or medicine, or visits to the "Whackatorium" (as a friend of mine so eloquently put it). Just hump and hope. Hump and hope. That sounds nice.

But there is a part of me, bigger still, that is grateful for good doctors, a mostly awesome husband, modern medicine, and answers.

I have never been so excited and so fearful all at the same time. I suspect that is a combination that will become very familiar from this point forward.