So, we are moving a little faster on the crazy train of baby making than I expected. I have had some abnormal bloodwork that has prompted some additional blood work and a Semen Analysis for Mr. J. I know this is a good thing. If there are problems as my doc suspects, I want to know sooner rather than later. Want to get a jump on correcting the problem or adjusting our strategy. I know that knowledge is power. I get it.
But I am shaking in my slippers. I'm having difficulty formulating my thoughts on this, much less accurately describe it. So please, bear with me. I feel like getting closer to answers means two things.
1. (and perhaps most obviously) It means that we increase our chances of conception. And ultimately of babydom. This is a good thing, I know.
2. It means that we are closer to potentially exhausting other options. And potentially having to come to terms with the possibility that we will never reach babydom.
That may sound crazy or excessive or unnecessary, but that's where I am.
And I'm not ready for #2. There is a part of me that wants to keep humping as clueless and hopeful as ever. Without any bloodwork, or medicine, or visits to the "Whackatorium" (as a friend of mine so eloquently put it). Just hump and hope. Hump and hope. That sounds nice.
But there is a part of me, bigger still, that is grateful for good doctors, a mostly awesome husband, modern medicine, and answers.
I have never been so excited and so fearful all at the same time. I suspect that is a combination that will become very familiar from this point forward.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I can barely keep up.
So much has been happening in my world. I have hardly had the time to poop much less blog. My apologies.
Where to begin? I guess chronologically, would make sense.
We got new floors put in! Woot! Finally. We are just too messy to have carpet. Two dogs, a cat, and a husband with the equilibrium of a 2 year old, does not a clean house make. In fact, I can't even count the number of stains the carpet had endured at the hand of my husband in the past 6 months. Let alone the 2.5 years we have lived here. So finally, sweet victory for my house. Out with the Dr. Pepper stained and dog hair infested carpet, and in with beautiful hickory floors.
You may be asking yourself, "what comes after floors?" Why, new furniture of course. Now, we just went to look. Only look. Get an idea of what kind of money we are talking about. You hear me? Such was the conversation with Mr. J as we parked the car outside the absurdly large furniture store. 2 hours and many dollars later, we had ordered new living room furniture.
Naturally. I must say, it is perfect. And its sale price left me completely powerless to it's subtle beauty. It's on back order so we will have it in a couple of weeks.
In less exciting news, another heartbreak. Another loss. Seems they are simply everywhere. Waiting around every corner to knock the wind of optimism out of your increasingly deflated soul. It's rough. I've seen 3 women in the past month lose their baby. 3. One right after another. No human language is sufficient to describe such horror. I am utterly speechless. I pray for these women and yet have no words. I simply sit, and ponder. Hoping for peace. Somehow, some way. Though, I can't begin to imagine how it will come.
And selfishly, it brings fear. Lots of fear. That I too, may find myself one day in such unspeakable pain. I do not know how one survives through such a thing. And I hope with all that I am, to never learn.
Even so, we walk. We move forward. Through the fear, daring to walk the fragile plank of hope. Dr. appt today. Found out that I have some whacked out hormone levels. So I start meds to correct that this week. More blood work next week, and probably Clomid. Pending the blood work results. It's a very peculiar mix of excitement for taking steps toward parenthood, and fear that those steps will be futile. And yet we walk.
I suppose that's the answer to a lot of this. You just walk. One foot in front of the other. Not knowing where they will lead you. Or your foot will land on solid ground. Or even if you will find the energy for the next step.
We walk.
Where to begin? I guess chronologically, would make sense.
We got new floors put in! Woot! Finally. We are just too messy to have carpet. Two dogs, a cat, and a husband with the equilibrium of a 2 year old, does not a clean house make. In fact, I can't even count the number of stains the carpet had endured at the hand of my husband in the past 6 months. Let alone the 2.5 years we have lived here. So finally, sweet victory for my house. Out with the Dr. Pepper stained and dog hair infested carpet, and in with beautiful hickory floors.
You may be asking yourself, "what comes after floors?" Why, new furniture of course. Now, we just went to look. Only look. Get an idea of what kind of money we are talking about. You hear me? Such was the conversation with Mr. J as we parked the car outside the absurdly large furniture store. 2 hours and many dollars later, we had ordered new living room furniture.
Naturally. I must say, it is perfect. And its sale price left me completely powerless to it's subtle beauty. It's on back order so we will have it in a couple of weeks.
In less exciting news, another heartbreak. Another loss. Seems they are simply everywhere. Waiting around every corner to knock the wind of optimism out of your increasingly deflated soul. It's rough. I've seen 3 women in the past month lose their baby. 3. One right after another. No human language is sufficient to describe such horror. I am utterly speechless. I pray for these women and yet have no words. I simply sit, and ponder. Hoping for peace. Somehow, some way. Though, I can't begin to imagine how it will come.
And selfishly, it brings fear. Lots of fear. That I too, may find myself one day in such unspeakable pain. I do not know how one survives through such a thing. And I hope with all that I am, to never learn.
Even so, we walk. We move forward. Through the fear, daring to walk the fragile plank of hope. Dr. appt today. Found out that I have some whacked out hormone levels. So I start meds to correct that this week. More blood work next week, and probably Clomid. Pending the blood work results. It's a very peculiar mix of excitement for taking steps toward parenthood, and fear that those steps will be futile. And yet we walk.
I suppose that's the answer to a lot of this. You just walk. One foot in front of the other. Not knowing where they will lead you. Or your foot will land on solid ground. Or even if you will find the energy for the next step.
We walk.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
::headwallrepeat::
Inlaws. Drama. Drunk idiots. Drunk J. Ignorance. Baby questions. Bitterness. More Drama.
That was my night. The following was my saving grace.
Escape. Happy Dance. Vent. Booty. Ice Cream. Sleep.
That was my night. The following was my saving grace.
Escape. Happy Dance. Vent. Booty. Ice Cream. Sleep.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Random thoughts from my day
My husband left a voicemail on my work phone at 4:30 AM. It was of him snoring. Hilarious! I guess he sleep dialed me.
People are dumb and inconsiderate. Why would you get onto an elevator before everyone already on it has gotten off? Next time, Mr. Impatient, I fully intent to swing my overstuffed purse into your frank and beans on my way out.
Not being able to help those you love, sucks. It is utter helplessness. Period.
Fish stick are awesome and bring me back to pre-k.
Taking a moment to get out of your own shit, and help another person even in the smallest way, is quite a refreshing experience. It is generally under-rated and I for one, am going to try to do it more often.
Goodnight and big balls.
People are dumb and inconsiderate. Why would you get onto an elevator before everyone already on it has gotten off? Next time, Mr. Impatient, I fully intent to swing my overstuffed purse into your frank and beans on my way out.
Not being able to help those you love, sucks. It is utter helplessness. Period.
Fish stick are awesome and bring me back to pre-k.
Taking a moment to get out of your own shit, and help another person even in the smallest way, is quite a refreshing experience. It is generally under-rated and I for one, am going to try to do it more often.
Goodnight and big balls.
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