Friday, June 26, 2009
So...very...tired.
I have been sleeping, but keep getting more tired. I think it's an emotion overdose. I need my feelings pumped.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
My only sunshine.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy,
When skies are grey.
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Pawpaw used to sing that to me as a little girl. We'd sit in the swing on the back porch of his old house...for hours...and just sing. There are so many things that Pawpaw taught me, growing up. He was a wise man. There are many other words that immediately come to mind when I think of him. Kind. Compassionate. Honest, sometimes brutally so. But probably the thing that sticks out most among all the memories, is how much he loved his family. We were always everything to him. He loved my Mawmaw like I had never seen a person love another. They raised 9 children together, so you know there had to be something incredible between them. She died 12 years ago. He still missed her everyday. Every once in a while, he'd even wake up looking for her. They were married for 56 years when she died. For the past few months, he had been telling my mom that he was ready to go. "I want to go see your Mama", he'd say to my mom. And she'd say, "Not yet, Daddy. It's not time".
Well, as life would have it, time was fast approaching.
Let me back up. Pawpaw had lived with my mom for the last three years. She is the youngest of all the kids, and she made her life about taking care of him. He would have been 93 next month, and was sharp as a tack. Physically, he had been struggling for a while, but thankfully when it got bad, things moved quickly. Hell, last month he made my step dad take him fishing. I say made, because when Pawpaw wants something, he does not let up. Be it fishing, or ice cream. He will be on your ass about it 'til he's satisfied.
Pawpaw saw a lot in his day. Used to tell me about his childhood, meeting Mawmaw, going to the Navy. He had a never ending bag of stories. Some sad, some funny, and some so inappropriate that only Pawpaw could get away with. I'm going to miss that. Even if it was a story I'd heard enough times to recite, I'd curl up next to him and listen with wide eyes. He was an incredible man.
It's funny, how life plays out. He had some excess fluid around his hands and feet. Mom was out of town, so he was with my Aunt, which is rarely the case. She took him to the hospital on Thursday, June 18th. His kidneys were operating at 15%. They talked about dialysis, but he was already pretty frail, and even that would only buy him a couple of months. He looked so tired in that hospital bed. He was rowdy though. Letting everyone withing earshot know just how he felt about the whole thing. I heard "This is bullshit" several times. We don't have much trouble expressing ourselves in our family. Pawpaw was no different. I held his hand, he looked over at me, and talked to me in between naps. The verdict was, that Pawpaw was ready to move on.
On to whatever lies beyond our world here. He died in his sleep at hospice on Monday, June 22nd.
Pawpaw lived a long, sometimes difficult, but ultimately happy and extremely grateful life. He leaves behind more than he probably ever thought he would. I can only hope to be like him, live like he lived, love how he loved.
I imagine, my children will curl up to me and listen to stories of their Great Grandpa Joe, with eyes wide as can be.
I love you, Pawpaw. Forever.
My only sunshine.
You make me happy,
When skies are grey.
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Pawpaw used to sing that to me as a little girl. We'd sit in the swing on the back porch of his old house...for hours...and just sing. There are so many things that Pawpaw taught me, growing up. He was a wise man. There are many other words that immediately come to mind when I think of him. Kind. Compassionate. Honest, sometimes brutally so. But probably the thing that sticks out most among all the memories, is how much he loved his family. We were always everything to him. He loved my Mawmaw like I had never seen a person love another. They raised 9 children together, so you know there had to be something incredible between them. She died 12 years ago. He still missed her everyday. Every once in a while, he'd even wake up looking for her. They were married for 56 years when she died. For the past few months, he had been telling my mom that he was ready to go. "I want to go see your Mama", he'd say to my mom. And she'd say, "Not yet, Daddy. It's not time".
Well, as life would have it, time was fast approaching.
Let me back up. Pawpaw had lived with my mom for the last three years. She is the youngest of all the kids, and she made her life about taking care of him. He would have been 93 next month, and was sharp as a tack. Physically, he had been struggling for a while, but thankfully when it got bad, things moved quickly. Hell, last month he made my step dad take him fishing. I say made, because when Pawpaw wants something, he does not let up. Be it fishing, or ice cream. He will be on your ass about it 'til he's satisfied.
Pawpaw saw a lot in his day. Used to tell me about his childhood, meeting Mawmaw, going to the Navy. He had a never ending bag of stories. Some sad, some funny, and some so inappropriate that only Pawpaw could get away with. I'm going to miss that. Even if it was a story I'd heard enough times to recite, I'd curl up next to him and listen with wide eyes. He was an incredible man.
It's funny, how life plays out. He had some excess fluid around his hands and feet. Mom was out of town, so he was with my Aunt, which is rarely the case. She took him to the hospital on Thursday, June 18th. His kidneys were operating at 15%. They talked about dialysis, but he was already pretty frail, and even that would only buy him a couple of months. He looked so tired in that hospital bed. He was rowdy though. Letting everyone withing earshot know just how he felt about the whole thing. I heard "This is bullshit" several times. We don't have much trouble expressing ourselves in our family. Pawpaw was no different. I held his hand, he looked over at me, and talked to me in between naps. The verdict was, that Pawpaw was ready to move on.
On to whatever lies beyond our world here. He died in his sleep at hospice on Monday, June 22nd.
Pawpaw lived a long, sometimes difficult, but ultimately happy and extremely grateful life. He leaves behind more than he probably ever thought he would. I can only hope to be like him, live like he lived, love how he loved.
I imagine, my children will curl up to me and listen to stories of their Great Grandpa Joe, with eyes wide as can be.
I love you, Pawpaw. Forever.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Real life sucks.
We're home! Vegas was so much fun. We gambled a bit and drank a lot. Saw Cirque de solei "O", which was fabulous. If you ever get a chance to see it, do so. I will say, however, that Vegas is exhausting. I was definitely ready to come home when we did. Although, now I kind of miss it. The more I think about it though, it's not really that I miss Vegas as much as I just don't want vacay to end. I am absolutely dreading the return to work tomorrow.
Ah, the real world. It fucking blows. I'd kill to stay home just one more day. Of course that would inevitably turn into another. And another. Until I find my self back in Vegas. Only this time, working as a call girl, because J done lost her job, can't pay the bills - you get the picture. It ain't pretty.
Some of you may find this hard to believe, but my OCD ass was able to leave the BBT in Houston where it belongs. I O'd last week before we left, so although I'm 9dpo, I have no idea what my LP is looking like. I thought it would leave me with slightly less obsession material. But oh, no. Instead of staring at my chart for hours, I'm pushing on my boobs to test soreness and mentally noting the number of times I pee per day.
The point? You can take the girl out of the chart, but you can't take the chart out of the girl.
Ah, the real world. It fucking blows. I'd kill to stay home just one more day. Of course that would inevitably turn into another. And another. Until I find my self back in Vegas. Only this time, working as a call girl, because J done lost her job, can't pay the bills - you get the picture. It ain't pretty.
Some of you may find this hard to believe, but my OCD ass was able to leave the BBT in Houston where it belongs. I O'd last week before we left, so although I'm 9dpo, I have no idea what my LP is looking like. I thought it would leave me with slightly less obsession material. But oh, no. Instead of staring at my chart for hours, I'm pushing on my boobs to test soreness and mentally noting the number of times I pee per day.
The point? You can take the girl out of the chart, but you can't take the chart out of the girl.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sweet sin
So my day began with what I would call a spiritual hemroid. Evangelical nutjobs yelling about sin and hell in the faces of innocent citizens just trying to get a drivers license. No lie. At the goddamned DMV. I sat on the phone with Mr. J, loudly voicing my strong opinion on the whole thing. Which in case you are wondering, is that nothing that abbrasive, and fueled by fear should ever, ever be associated with the term "god". Ever. It's those shananigans that make it difficult for people to believe in something bigger. Newsflash psycho, you're the one we all don't want to become. And you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Speaking of sin, T minus 12 hours 'til I'm in Vegas. I am so excited. It's going to be awesome. Nothing like lots of drunken sex, dirty dancing, and gambling. And just for you, raging Bible psycho....perhaps a little bit of porn.
Speaking of sin, T minus 12 hours 'til I'm in Vegas. I am so excited. It's going to be awesome. Nothing like lots of drunken sex, dirty dancing, and gambling. And just for you, raging Bible psycho....perhaps a little bit of porn.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Typical Monday
The good news is that we leave for Vegas on Thursday. The bad news is this makes for an incredibly stressful 3 day week. Trying to get everything together for my sub. It's crazy. I'm going to need Vegas more than ever by the time Wednesday rolls around.
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