I can barely keep up.

So much has been happening in my world. I have hardly had the time to poop much less blog. My apologies.
Where to begin? I guess chronologically, would make sense.

We got new floors put in! Woot! Finally. We are just too messy to have carpet. Two dogs, a cat, and a husband with the equilibrium of a 2 year old, does not a clean house make. In fact, I can't even count the number of stains the carpet had endured at the hand of my husband in the past 6 months. Let alone the 2.5 years we have lived here. So finally, sweet victory for my house. Out with the Dr. Pepper stained and dog hair infested carpet, and in with beautiful hickory floors.

You may be asking yourself, "what comes after floors?" Why, new furniture of course. Now, we just went to look. Only look. Get an idea of what kind of money we are talking about. You hear me? Such was the conversation with Mr. J as we parked the car outside the absurdly large furniture store. 2 hours and many dollars later, we had ordered new living room furniture.
Naturally. I must say, it is perfect. And its sale price left me completely powerless to it's subtle beauty. It's on back order so we will have it in a couple of weeks.

In less exciting news, another heartbreak. Another loss. Seems they are simply everywhere. Waiting around every corner to knock the wind of optimism out of your increasingly deflated soul. It's rough. I've seen 3 women in the past month lose their baby. 3. One right after another. No human language is sufficient to describe such horror. I am utterly speechless. I pray for these women and yet have no words. I simply sit, and ponder. Hoping for peace. Somehow, some way. Though, I can't begin to imagine how it will come.

And selfishly, it brings fear. Lots of fear. That I too, may find myself one day in such unspeakable pain. I do not know how one survives through such a thing. And I hope with all that I am, to never learn.

Even so, we walk. We move forward. Through the fear, daring to walk the fragile plank of hope. Dr. appt today. Found out that I have some whacked out hormone levels. So I start meds to correct that this week. More blood work next week, and probably Clomid. Pending the blood work results. It's a very peculiar mix of excitement for taking steps toward parenthood, and fear that those steps will be futile. And yet we walk.

I suppose that's the answer to a lot of this. You just walk. One foot in front of the other. Not knowing where they will lead you. Or your foot will land on solid ground. Or even if you will find the energy for the next step.

We walk.

Lazy Saturday.

I haz one. And I loves it.

::headwallrepeat::

Inlaws. Drama. Drunk idiots. Drunk J. Ignorance. Baby questions. Bitterness. More Drama.

That was my night. The following was my saving grace.

Escape. Happy Dance. Vent. Booty. Ice Cream. Sleep.

Random thoughts from my day

My husband left a voicemail on my work phone at 4:30 AM. It was of him snoring. Hilarious! I guess he sleep dialed me.

People are dumb and inconsiderate. Why would you get onto an elevator before everyone already on it has gotten off? Next time, Mr. Impatient, I fully intent to swing my overstuffed purse into your frank and beans on my way out.

Not being able to help those you love, sucks. It is utter helplessness. Period.

Fish stick are awesome and bring me back to pre-k.

Taking a moment to get out of your own shit, and help another person even in the smallest way, is quite a refreshing experience. It is generally under-rated and I for one, am going to try to do it more often.

Goodnight and big balls.

Why not?

Since this blog is titled "Recipes and Babies", I figure it's time to actually post a recipe. This is a super easy dinner that I do once in a while when I'm tired and don't feel like putting too much energy into cooking. Enjoy

Mexican Fried Rice

1 lb ground beef or turkey
1 box Spanish style Rice-a-Roni
1 can diced tomatoes with the juice
1 can of black beans drained and rinsed
1 can of whole kernnel corn
shredded cheese
sour cream

*feel free to use frozen or fresh veggies. I'm lazy*

Brown and drain the ground beef. Add to it the Rice-a-Roni and cook as per the directions on the box. It will call for the tomatoes.
When the rice is done, add in the black beans and the corn, stirring until hot.
Then I transfer it to a casserole dish, top with cheese and bake @ 350 until cheese is melted.

We usually top with sour cream and eat it Chipotle style in a bowl. Although I have used it as a stuffing for burritos and peppers before.
Easy and yummy.
Hope you like it.

Again, with the suckage.

I sort of keep forgetting that I have a blog. Well, not really forgetting as much as just not thinking about it. I'm sorry. There's really not much to say.

I want to be fucking pregnant. That's a given. I'm not. Oh, another given.
I "know" a couple of really amazing women that have gone through much more than I have on this crazy ttc journey. And to tell you the absolute truth, I admire them. I'm assure you that dealing with IF issues is not something that I could handle. I imagine it's one of those things were you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, not really certain of the ground beneath your step, but nonetheless...walking. Albeit is slowly and in fear.
I hope that I never have to walk that path. I fear that I will. I don't know why, I just do.

Mr J. and I will often joke about how nothing is easy for us. We always get the short end of the stick. If something is going to go wrong, it is going to be in our lives. If somebody drowns trying to forge the river, it will be us.

Call it trial and tribulation, spiritual growth, if you will. You know how I feel about all that? Bullshit. Completey fucking over rated, growth is. I don't want to grow. Just once. I want to not have to climb a god damned mountain. Don't want to swim the Pacific. Don't want to jump through hoops of fucking fire. Don't want to run. Just want to walk. Slowly, calmly, without obstacle. Just once.

Okay. Well. Guess I did have a few things to say. Hmm.

My apologies for the suckage.

It's been a while, now hasn't it.
Well, let's see what is going on...Oh, I know. We got a new pup! Oh my fucking god, she is so cute! She's an 8 week old, 2 lb, Shih Tzu.
Mr. J had been putting the pressure on and I finally just cracked. I don't know what I was thinking. But she's so sweet. I love her to pieces already.

On the baby making front, my body is fucking with me. As usual. One minute I'm hopeful, the next I'm certain I'm about to start. At this point, I'm so tired of the back and forth, that I don't even care. I just want this cycle to be over. BFP or BFN. Either way.



That's a lie. I want to be knocked up. The above is one of the many delusional things that I tell myself in efforts to remain sane. There are many, many more of them.
So, stay tuned.