Beta # 2....

2855!

Beautiful. I'm so excited. One week until the u/s. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, or whatever you do that we see a healthy heartbeat.

Nothing much has changed on this end. Still exhausted. Still nauseated off and on. Still no vomiting. Oh, and I'm fairly certain that my left boob is trying to sever itself from my body.

Ouch.

So, I find myself forgetting that I'm pregnant.

Well, not really forgetting, but just randomly remembering. For example, I'm being lazy on the couch, watching Food Network (of course), and suddenly think to myself, "Oh yea, I'm pregnant".
Usually followed by "Holy crap. I'm pregnant".
After which I will say to Mr. J, "Hey baby. I'm pregnant."

He laughs at me. Every time.

I suppose this is part of that "sinking in" process.

A peace offering for my suckage.

I'm sorry. I forgot for a moment that I have a blog. Silly me. Enjoy the apology.

Wow. Where to start?
First Beta is in....(insert drum roll here)...480!!! Yay! Next one is on Monday and I'll have the results Tuesday. I'm still feeling okay. No m/s yet. Thank god! Other than feeling like I've been run over by a herd of rabid kangaroos, I'm doing just fine.

I went to my "Confirmation Appointment" on Thursday.
"Congratulations, Mrs. J! You're pregnant!"
Yes. Yes, I know. I've urinated on multiple pregnancy detection devices. Thanks though.
First ultrasound on 9/24. Hoping that we see a beautiful little heartbeat. I think that's about it in terms of the "update".

Mr. J is pretty nervous. He's really trying not to let himself get "too attached" this early.
Yeah, good luck with that. I caught him talking to my belly fat in the middle of the night.
He says he'll feel better after the ultrasound. My doctor really spooked him with talk of a "viable vs. non-viable pregnancy.
And of course, I'm nervous too. But I have made a conscious decision to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. And I am. So, I am putting the fear on the back burner. It's still there of course. Poking at me randomly.

That's about it, folks. I will try to be more consistent 'round here.
I'm now off to my ice cream breakfast. Ta ta.

The first letter. Week 4.

Dear Baby,

And so this begins.
I guess I could start by crowning you with a name more personal than Baby. A nick name. A term of endearment. Something special between us and Daddy. But all I can think of is Baby. As in, "Holy crap, were going to have a BABY!!"
I'm currently wondering if this excitement/shock is going to wear off before your arrival. I suppose by then it will be replaced with a completely new version.

I want you to know, first and foremost, how much you are wanted and loved already. There are moments in between those of utter shock and disbelief, that are filled with such gratitude and awe. Moments that bring tears to my eyes. Moments in which I look away quickly, so as to not prompt Daddy's own tears. Between you and me, I'm not sure he'd stop crying if he let himself start. Yes, Baby. Gratitude. Awe. Humility.

Gratitude. I'm grateful for you. Grateful for the life that is to be. Grateful beyond my ability to describe. You know, Daddy and I have been thinking about you for so long. Loving you even before you were you. Uncertain when or how you would come into our lives. Just hoping. Loving. Allowing ourselves to love something, whose existence we had no guarantee of. But now you're here. You're you. You exist. And you, Baby, are incredibly loved.

Awe. According to the ever handy dictionary.com: "An overwhelming feeling of reverence".
That is a pretty accurate summary. Reverence for this process. This creation of life. This miracle. That I, along with the love of my life, get to experience. Again, my words fail.

Humility. Let's talk about that one for a second. I am so incredibly humbled to be blessed to this degree. To be able to write this letter. As I have so often dreamed about. As others have dreamed about. And as so many are still dreaming about. Yet somehow, someway, today - I get to write. I am overwhelmed with humility.

Wow. For something as tiny as a single poppy seed, you are certainly quite skilled at evoking an array of emotions. Something tells me that I am in BIG trouble.

I love you, Baby.

Until then,
Mommy

Holy shit. I'm pregnant.

I know we've covered this already, but I *think* it may be starting to sink in just a tad. I can't imagine, what it will feel like to fully process such a thing.

Holy Shitballs.

I'm pregnant. I took a test this morning, ironically, just before I went to pick up my Clomid Rx from the pharmacy. Bam. A line. I actually thought I saw one yesterday. But Mr. J told me I was hallucinating. When my temp stayed up this morning, I decided to test. Wow. I am just speechless. So happy, obviously. But really surprised. And I've been pretty calm all day. I wonder when this will sink in. Probably when I go to deliver. Wow. I'm going to deliver a baby. Wow.
Wow. Wow.

I am exhausted.

Seriously? Seriously. Physically, mentally, emotionally...I got it all.
I also started the Parlodel today, for my elevated prolactin levels.
Oh, and the med info says it's for "infertility disorders".

Fun!